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Disappointed.
Monday, October 19, 2009
I'm sad, but i can't show it. I'm disappointed, but i can't tell you.There're so many things i'm hiding. All these little bottled up emotions,
i hide under my hyper, smiling facade.
Its just so sudden, after everything was arranged nicely just for you.
of course i'd be sad. But i don't have the heart to tell you.
So all i can say is 'Go ahead. (: its alright.' even after we agreed on this so long ago.
Maybe i'm being selfish. But isn't it normal to feel this way?
When you told me, all i thought in my selfish little mind was "why...".
I'm being a selfish little prick again.
One side of me tells me to say 'Go on ahead, it's fine. (:' and the other tells me to say 'But you already agreed to do this...' But apparently, the 'BETTER' side of me took over, so i said 'Go on ahead, it's fine. (:'
Well i'm sorry for being selfish then, M. But this is how i truly feel.
And now, I can decide on what to do for AFA day 2. One side wants me to do this, another wants me to do that. And as for me? I can't decide, again. I even tell myself 'cosplay is not for others. its for yourself.'
But i can't help but think of others before myself. There's no point of thinking of insignificant, pathetic little me above my precious friends.
And also, if i DO pick one, the other party would be disappointed and i know how it feels.
I'm confused now. I have no idea what to do.
Something's happened to my heart, its freezing up again.
I don't want this to happen, but somehow i can't stop it.
I keep telling myself, 'Smile, don't let others worry. Keep everything to yourself.'
But somehow, it just keeps coming out.
I feel like giving up. I feel like going back to my little corner and bottling everything up.
Then i'd put on my faux smile, and happy facade. That'll make everyone happy, no?
I guess that solves the problem.. Yeah..
----------
ayano.
ITS ANOTHER NORMAL POST OHGOSH.
Friday, October 16, 2009
hahahah. YES. ITS YET ANOTHER NORMAL POST!!!! why? cause i'm happy. my exams are over. 8D i may emo abit later on. CAUSE I'M SCREWED FOR RESULTS + PHONE BILLS. OTL.god. save me. *cries*
okay anywayyyyyyyy. YES. I AM HAPPY. FOR NOW. 8D
And i'm preparing for my next cosplays! hurhurhurhrurur. 8D i know i fat la. but at least i'm trying to lose it. 8D hahahaha.
speaking of fat. OH GOSH I'M DAMN FAT CAN. D8!!!! SO FAT SO FAT SO FAT. GOSHIEEE.
but i lost abit of weight. 8D kinda happy hurhurhur. I LOVE YOU GYM AND SWIMMING POOL. I WILL REMAIN FAITHFUL TO YOU FOREV---- *ahem*. sorry. random outburst.
ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAY. I'VE BEEN ATTENDING CCA AGAIN. APPLAUSE PLEASE! 8D
HAHAHAHA. two major performances coming up ohgosh. CHINGAY i think thats how you spell it and YOG. wheeee. 8D
Was damn high today lah. HAHAHAHA. I THINK YOU CAN TELL YAH? 8D
excited for tmr too. <33333 well, if my mum doesn't change her mind, that is. HAHA.
OHMYGOD I'M SCARED FOR MY RESULTS. WHAT IF I GET RETAINED. WHAT WHAT WHAT IF I GET EXPELLED??? D8 LATER I WORK IN COFFEE SHOP HOW!!!
AND OH GOSH MY PHONE BILL HAHAHAHA. yes its fun and worth it but.. OMG HOW TO EXPLAIN HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Been planning alot of stuff for people lately. HEY. MAYBE I CAN BE A WEDDING PLANNER. 8DDDDD OKAY KIDDING. i think i'll end up crashing the person's wedding HAHAHAHAHAHA. :x
anyways. i need to go to cheeenatownnnn to get stuff for my Sheryl earring and well. Maybe get some stuff to edit my uni3 if i still have cash OTL.
oh by the way. HAVE A SAFE, FUN, AND EXCITING TRIP MAMA!! <333 HURHURHUR.
I'M GONNA DYE MY HAIR DARK BROWN. WHY? CAUSE I'M OLD. AND I HAVE WHITE HAIR OHMYGOSHIE D8!!
DAMN I'M TYPING LIKE SOME CRAZY IDIOT ON DRUGS AHAHAHHAHA. CAPSLOCK SPAM FTWWWWW!
anyways. here're the rest of my plans for this year. 8D
Sheryl Nome Star Date, Allen Uni 3, Ranka Lee (no idea which version yet lollollol), and Lenalee black tube + shorts + bandage... AKA useless version la. and MINORI! if i can fit my friend's costume. HAHAHAHA. damn it phone bill, damn it stupid itchy hands for using phone so much. now money gone la. damn smart la. HAHAHA. damn it.
*locks phone in drawer and never ever takes it out ever again*
anyways. I HAD DANCE TODAY SO I COULDN'T GO FOR ART. I THINK I'M LIKE DAMN SCREWED. DDDDDDDDDD8.
ohwell. its like, over already. i guess. damn it all. )8 i hate you art.
well, i guess thats all for today. 8D
oh oh did i mention that i'm damn fat? 8D HAHAHAA
with love,
ayano~
OHMYGOSH ITS A NORMAL BLOGPOST! 8D
Monday, October 12, 2009
yey. after so long hahaha. XDExams so far were shit. Slept at 4am on sunday night and 1/4 of me regrets it...
but 3/4 doesn't. <3 hahah. XD
History.... fell asleep for the first 40 minutes. x___x thanks rachel for waking me up before the paper started LOL.
And thanks nicole for helping me abit for chapter 9 the previous night. XD!
Lit, quite okay.. but i fell asleep again. x___x fish you, sickness.
3 more papers and YAAAAAAY i'm free for this year. XD;;
okay not until after my parents check my phone bill and kill me and not until my results are back.. i guess.
TOMORROW IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY. 8D WOO. right? evil twin-san? 8D hahahaha.
And also, OHMYGOD GEOG PAPER D8!!!!!! failfailfailfailfail. science too T___T.
and damn. i have to pay my phone bills again. x___x i feel like locking my phone in a drawer so i won't use it ever again LOL. hahahaha.
omg i heard a dog barking just now. XD but ended up its just some stupid website link i clicked. XD;; so dumb hahaha.
anyway, TOMORROW! 8D yay for tmr hurhurhurhurhur.
zzz i'm so freaking obese lol. ): shall go to the gym again later~ \o/\o/
woooooooooooooooo! hahahahaha.
Porridge for dinner today. 8D NOT FATTENING YAAAAAY. hahah.
oh damn this is so random. i shall stop here. :D
with love,
ayano.
Madness.
Friday, October 9, 2009
I think i'm stupid.I think i'm such a bastard.
So stupid, so stupid, so stupid.
So hypocritical, so hypocritical, so hypocritical.
Why is life so difficult to live.
Why are people always hating people.
Why are human politics and human brains always full of this shit.
I've had enough of this, I don't want to be put through this anymore.
Why am i contradicting myself. I think i'm the cause of everything.
Cause i'm so stupid, immature...
sigh.. I really hate myself sometimes. The things i do, the things i say.
But what can i do. Everyone's a hypocrite in their own ways and i'm one too.
Unless you want me to be an angel, which is definitely not possible.
Sometimes i wonder, what IF the world REALLY ends in 2012?
sigh.. i think i'm going crazy again.
Changin'
Friday, October 2, 2009
I think i've changed.I don't think i'm that brat i was a year or two ago. or maybe a few months ago.
I've changed cause i'm more hypocritical now. i guess.
I changed in the way i treat people, i hope.
I changed in a sense that i'm no longer the anti-social stoic bastard i was last year, or maybe before that.
I changed cause i'm not as fat as i used to be but i'm still fat. 8Db
all in all, i think i changed. LOL.
BUT OMG I'M SO FAT. )':
i think i should go on a diet plan. or exercise routine. 8D
Monday- Swim
Tuesday- Gym
Wednesday- Swim
Thursday- Gym
Friday- Swim
Saturday + Sunday- ... 8D i dunno.
WOO. okay. i shall follow that schedule. 8D so fat. need to be skinny. >__>
skinnyskinnyskinnyskinnyskinny. i'm too fat. D8!
fat fingers fat face fat legs fat body fat hair fat eyes fat fingernails fat toenails fat ears fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat FAAAAAAAAAAT. Q^Q
okay. thats all for this yet-another-random-weird-post. 8D
with love,
ayano.
Don't know what to feel.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I don't know what are my true feelings anymore.I don't understand myself.
Are you guys only best friends? no. i think its much more than that.
....~
I feel restless not talking to you for a day, its almost as if you're part of me.
You never fail to cheer me up, never fail to make me smile.
I feel sad when you're sad, and happy when you're happy.
You mean alot to me, and i can't thank you more for everything you've done for me.
Even though we stay on different sides of the sea, i feel as if i'm just beside you.
Just seeing your name pop up on my taskbar makes me smile. I can't thank you enough for making this frozen heart of mine warm up again.
ありがとう, あれん。
....
I talk to you a few hours a day.
I emo, high, and random together with you.
You never fail to listen to my troubles, never fail to try and help me.
Even though we don't meet often, i feel as if i'm really talking to you when we chat online.
Talking to you never fails to make me laugh and smile.
You also never fail to help me along this small little path of mine, lead me the right way.
Thank you for everything you've done for me. No matter what anyone says, our friendship is true and will definitely last for long.
ありがとう, かんだ。
....
I hardly get to talk to you, but that is only a small issue.
You always know when i'm sad, emo, or just being random.
You're like an elder sibling to me, your words and actions are forever encouraging.
When we're emo, you always try your very best to cheer us up.
Your hugs always fill me up with warmth, and your words comfort me.
Thank you for always bothering to find out what's troubling us even though you have lots of problems of your own.
You mean alot to me, and i'm already missing those times you were free to come online to crap all day with us.
ありがとう, らび。
....~
みんな、ありがとう。
あいしてる!
I’m happy, but for some reason I’m a little sad.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Long time no see.久しぶりだねと一言挨拶をするアナタ
嬉しいけれど何故だろ ちょっぴり悲しくて
何を話せば 離れてる距離埋められる?
離れてる時のほうが そばにいる気がして
お互いの物語は きっとひとつなの
淋しい想い 擦れ違い それは結び合う途中の駅
アナタとても 愛しくて
もっともっと会いたくて
一生隣にいたって たぶん時間が足りない
めぐり逢った頃二人は まだこの恋に慣れなくて
疑ったり無理をしたりして 疲れちゃったね
遠いことのせいにして 会わなくなったり
一人になれる自信も 無かったくせに
人は大切なことには鈍感すぎて
失ってから気づいちゃう
そんなことも 勉強した
始めましょう 第二章 信じる想い繋げよう
分かり合えた気持ちを 二度と離さないワタシ
アナタとても 愛しくて
もっともっと会いたくて
一生隣にいたって たぶん時間が足りない
---------------------------------------------
Been really tired lately.
I take it back when i said that its kinda lonely not having my parents around.
Last week was the best week ever. so thats how its like to have freedom, eh?
sigh... what am i doing again...
We’re too unaware of what’s important to us, and we only realise when we’ve lost them and can never get them back...
Maybe its the streaming stress piling up on me.
1st October-> EL Paper 1, EL Paper 2 (8am - 12.35pm)
2nd October-> MT Paper 1, MT Paper 2 (8.30am - 12.30pm)
12th October-> History (8am - 9.30am)
13th October-> Literature (8am - 9.30am)
14th October-> Geography (8am - 9am)
A Special Someone's birthday. <33
15th October-> Maths 1, Maths 2 (8am - 11.30am)
16th October-> Science (8am - 9.15am)
sigh.. not much time left...
May not be online as much after next week. will try to stay offline to study very hard.
if anyone sees me online after 10pm please chase me off. thanks. (:
sigh.. i'll miss my dears but oh well. after the 16th i'm free~ :3 well until sec3 starts, that is. when sec3 does start, i'll start studying hard to get good grades. no more fooling around, no more wasting time.
YOSH! GANBARIMASU! <3
Thank you to the people that comforted me and listened to my emo shitting. :3
I shall continue on this path I chose for myself,
I'll keep on walking. Thats a promise. I'll never give up. Not until the last of my life runs out of me.
and, don't ever forget our promise, even if i'm MIA, allen-kun. (:
or else you'll get it from me. hahaha. XD
another big THANKYOU to Mamaholy, Athenyuyu, Isyadarling, and AwesomeRis for cheering me up once again. how can i fall after such a small setback. its just pathetic and useless, and i'll just be betraying the promise i made to everyone and myself.
With lots of love,
ayano.
---------------------------------------------
As much as i miss those times,
I won't wallow in my sorrow anymore.
I didn't know how to treasure you guys when i had the chance,
i didn't strive to make you guys happy, ask you guys what you really wanted.
I'm really a selfish, retarded, childish, immature bastard.
No matter what i do now, i can never reverse what has happened.
So all i can say now, is sorry. Even though nothing will change anymore.
So instead of wallowing in my misery and looking into the past, i'll just think about the future.
I'll forget all the unhappy things that happened between us, and only remember the fun, good times.
I hope you guys will stay good friends for a long time. (:
Sorry, and goodbye.